The 3-D Full-Spectrum Laser Climbometer   Pamela Briggs   Feb 07, 2006 15:22 PST  (This post is subtitled, "He Had To Ask.") Bob, I'm glad to give you the specs for the 3-D Full-Spectrum Laser Climbometer. It's a wondrous instrument, and will make the joyous calling of tree measuring more pleasurable, exciting, and free of worry than you dared imagine! MEASUREMENT The Climbometer automatically measures the height of trees and treelike shrubs with absolute accuracy -- in feet (to the nearest thou), in meters (to the nearest micrometer), in bu (to the nearest hu), in ñìr (to the nearest šusi) -- or in any measurement system you specify. Choose from multiple language selections, and set the 3-DFSLC to display the data, speak it, or both. It can also display in braille -- handy for those furtive nighttime measurements on someone else's land. It determines crown dimensions, trunk and branch circumference, overall volume, mass (both with and without birds' nests, eggs, bats, pupae, etc), bark-to-heartwood ratio, thickness of cambium, chemical composition and anomalies, and a wealth of other quantifiable information. It includes a gas chromatograph. It records date, time, temperature, humidity, and barometric pressure. It can give an accurate count of leaves, buds, fruits, and seeds, should you really be into that kind of thing. Naturally, these measurements vary not only with the seasons, but also with each day's changing climate. Therefore, although the 3-DFSLC's measurement is accurate and indisputable, you will still have good reason to revisit your favorite trees anytime you wish -- for additional readings on a particular date, say, or at a certain moon phase. It even detects minute fluctuations in tectonic plates and alerts seismologists if necessary. IDENTIFICATION The Climbometer records each tree's GPS location and conventional geographical designation, and altitude/distance from mean sea level. It identifies the tree with its Latin name, common local names, and any honorary name you choose to give it. It displays its exact age, and projects its probable lifespan based on the tree's health, percentage and progression of disease and infestation, and the mood swings of the area's deer, bears, beavers, and other fauna. It can also calm and reassure bees, lure away mosquitoes, and placate dogs or other beasts who might be unhappy with your proximity to a particular tree. The 3-DFSLC will, of course, lead you to (and from) a particular tree with its GPS capabilities. But it can also find a tree given the vaguest directions, including "past the old brick factory, then after you see the Motel 6 billboard, it's about five miles beyond the silo." In its History Mode it can read a tree's rings, measure the storms and droughts it's weathered, and give that tree's biography, in narrative form or in columns of data. Also, when given any part of a tree -- be it a fossilized impression of a leaf, a piece of paper, a hunk of amber, or a chest of drawers -- it can identify the trees from which it came, and when and where. USES OF DATA The 3-DFLSC can interpret the data in myriad ways. Of course, it keeps a running log so any tree's measurements can be compared (to itself or to other trees). You can see average, mean, and median figures at a glance, and convert the information to a bar or pie graph in an instant. It can even show you which trees in what locations are related to one another. It can convert data to music which can be downloaded to hardware, podcast, or printed out as a score. It can also covert data to colors and shapes. A new branch of tree science is possible wherein people will be able to identify a tree by hearing its song or viewing its artistic representation. Naturally, it can upload the data to personal computers and/or the Internet, and format it in a variety of existing data sets such as HTML tables and Excel files, while red-flagging any missing figures or anomalies. The Climbometer can help you assess tree knowledge in other ways. It can catalog and label physical artifacts, such as leaves, bark, and samples of soil and DNA, and act as archivist at home, office, or on the road, fetching the samples on command. VISUAL RECORD You want the visual gestalt? No problem! The Climbometer takes clear 3-D hologrammatic images of the tree, and displays them at any size you wish. You can delight your friends with a display of your finds right in your living room -- so much more impressive than a video or slide show! You can use tree holograms to dress the set during theatrical performances (giving proper credit in the program, of course), and set and strike them instantly without taxing your stage crew. Or you can sleep underneath the virtual branches of any tree you wish in your own bedroom. OTHER FEATURES The 3-DFLSC is smooth, attractive, lightweight, scratchproof, shockproof, waterproof, and can withstand temperatures from absolute zero to the core of the sun. It floats, and contains binoculars, a magnifying glass, and an electron microscope. It also features a sturdy light bulb which can be used to examine the delicate veining of a leaf, or to signal a plane 30,000 feet above. Settings for its casing include Neon Mode (for winter) and Camouflage Mode (for those woodsy quiet times). It can be affixed to any surface, including bark and skin, without damage. It comes when you call it, and with patience can be taught to hover nearby Having unobtrusively collected weight data from you and your traveling companions, it can determine who can safely climb which trees, and which branches are best avoided, and give its recommendations with the utmost gentleness and discretion. In an emergency, it can contact the 911 service, relay vital medical information such as heart and respiration rates, and even perform simple first aid. It will track and retrieve lost members of your party, and can summon help with a piercing whistle. It can locate potable water, start a campfire, and brew a lovely willow bark tea. It can diagnose various tree ills and suggest treatments. It can tell you where trees can best be planted or replanted, and their likelihood of survival. It's useful with felled trees, too -- it can evaluate the tree's parts and suggest the best uses for them. The Climbometer comes with a full complement of tree lore, mythology, recipes, medicinal, and spiritual uses, and has a LiveUpdate function to gather recently uncovered information. If you wish, as you and your party relax during mealtime, the 3-DFSLC will scamper around and interview the locals. It can coax oral history out of taciturn rural folk like you wouldn't believe. But wait! There's more! It can grade maple syrup before it's even been produced. It can evaluate the coming fruit in the springtime. It can tell which trees will have the best colors in autumn, and map and narrate a fall foliage tour. If you haven't guessed by now, the Climbometer's uses are as broad and varied as your imagination. POWER SUPPLY AND CARE The 3-DFSLC is solar-powered, and its energy augmented by the Earth's magnetic fields. Maintenance is simple, but vital to the performance of the instrument. It merely requires you to be pure of heart, to respect the natural world and its creatures, and thank each tree as you measure it. As for itself, it is not averse to a gentle kiss on its dome each night, and frankly, loves to be tucked in. Also, it's not a bad little conversationalist, and appreciates being included in discussions. If you need to lie to someone, be sure that the Climbometer is not nearby! The more lies you tell around it, the less accurate its information will be. (It is, however, designed to disregard news broadcasts.) If it does catch you in a lie, it may take long and heartfelt persuasion on your part to explain why the lie was necessary. TO SUM UP -- It's the instrument of your dreams. The longer you use it, the more you won't know how you ever lived without it. Not available in stores. Robert Leverett wrote:   Pamela,    Okay, this is the second tinme you've mentioned it. I want one of those full spectrum climbometers. No fair talking about a new measuring gizmo without full details. It has all us Ents who obsess with our measuring mission salivating, hopping around - our hearts all a flutter. So, what's its functionality, lowest price, extras, etc.    BTW, did you know that George Washington was a big tree afficianado (sp?) Yep. When still a surveyor, he measured some extraordinary sycamores. One was in I think the Ohio River valley. It was 44 feet and some change around. The same treee was later measured by Andre Michaux at about the same circumference. Bob Robert T. Leverett Cofounder, Eastern Native Tree Society   Home